I spent a day in your shoes literally!
by Andreya Halms
Summary: Rukia is Ichigo. Ichigo is Rukia. She discovers the horrors of a teen's room. He gets taken on a date  ?  by Renji. Rangiku runs away from her squad to work as a maid. And Byakuya? Byakuya decides to get a haircut. CRACK FIC.
1. Prologue

**Heya, guys. This is my 1st fanfic.**

**disclaimer: I am just a leech who writes fanfics for timepass.**

**Ps- I deleted this story twice on a really stupid whim.**

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For Ichigo, the day was proceeding as a normal teenager's should, which was really uncommon for him. He walked home back from school, shouted at his dad and sisters not to disturb him, and flopped down his bed without changing his clothes.

He sighed. Boring day.

'Can't wait for another Hollow to appear.' He muttered.

No sooner than he had said that, he heard a loud banging noise coming from his closet. Swearing, he got up and opened it. Rukia, fully dressed in her shinigami garb tumbled out and pulled his hand.

'Come with me, no questions.' She said urgently.

'Wait. You can't just _kidnap_ me.'

'I'll answer on the way. Come. Now. '

'Yeah. Wait a sec.' Ichigo took out an orb from a struggling plushie, popped it into his mouth and transformed into his shinigami form. 'Take care of things here, Kon.'

Rukia pulled him into the closet. His vision clouded and after a few moments of darkness, he found himself standing in front of a huge grey tower. The surroundings told him that he was in the Soul Society.

Rukia went in, and Ichigo had no other option but to follow her. She led him to a dark chamber and entered it. Like a faithful puppy, Ichigo followed her. In the corner of the room was a rectangular area taped off by yellow, well, _tape._ In the centre of the area stood the 12th Division Captain, Mayuri Kurotsuchi with his back to them.

Rukia stepped into the rectangle and motioned him to follow. The instant Ichigo crossed the tape; his intuition warned him that something was quite wrong. Rukia touched Kurotsuchi's shoulder.

To her shock, Kurotsuchi collapsed to reveal a mannequin.

Rukia looked at Ichigo, her large eyes filled with panic. 'Run!' she screamed.

Ichigo started to run, but his nose impacted with seemingly solid air with a loud crunch. The air in front of him shimmered.

'Darn it. A barrier.'

Ichigo felt a huge spiritual pressure, and bright yellow light burned into his retinas.

And then the light feeling of nothingness.

**

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Please review~~~~~~~~~~**


	2. The mix up

**Thanks for reviewing. luv u!**

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Ow…' Ichigo regained consciousness, expecting a huge pain in his nose. Miraculously, nothing came. Instead, he rubbed his throbbing head. His hair seemed to have grown longer and it stuck to the back of his neck. He opened his eyes and closed them almost immediately. He had seen the last thing that _anybody _would look forward to seeing just after having escaped death - the hideously ugly and weird face of Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi centimetres away from his.

Kurotsuchi tilted his head 190 degrees sideways and began to laugh his hideously weird and ugly laugh.

'Wu ku ku ku ku ku. Wu ku ku ku ku ku . . . .'

Still keeping his eyes closed, Ichigo waited patiently for him to stop yapping...er, he meant stop laughing.

'I suggest you to open your organal windows of vision and look to your starboard side.' Said Kurotsuchi in his nasal voice.

**(For those utter idiots who can't understand what he said, in simple words he asked Ichigo to open his eyes and look towards his right.)**

Ichigo, as Kurotsuchi put it "opened his organal windows of vision" and "looked towards his starboard side."

To his utter disbelief, he saw himself sprawled on the ground. He immediately jumped to his feet and faced Kurotsuchi. The Captain seemed to have grown taller since they had last met.

'What the hell have you done to me, you as— ' Rukia said.

'_Huh?_' Ichigo was sure that he had just said that. 'You mean he cloned you-'

Ichigo stopped short. He had mouthed the words, but in Rukia's voice.

Hey wait a minute!

His hair had grown longer.

His own body was lying beside him.

Kurotsuchi seemed taller than usual.

He spoke in Rukia's voice.

Desperately wishing he was wrong, Ichigo reached over his shoulder for his zanpakuto. His fingers closed over thin air. Sode no Shirayuki, Rukia's zanpakuto, was slung at his hip. Ichigo unsheathed it and looked at his reflection on the blade. Rukia's dark irises stared back at him.

Disbelievingly, he felt up and down his self with his other hand, without taking his/Rukia's eyes off the reflection.

Something _abnormal_ was stuck on his chest. More like tumor or something.

His hand stopped groping and Sode no Shirayuki clattered on to the floor.

Silence. And then—

'WHAT?'

Overhead, a couple of birds nesting on the roof cawed, irritated as the whole tower shook.

* * *

When Rukia woke up, her reactions were more or less the same. However, her tone with the Captain was a lot more respectful.

'With all due respect, Captain,' she said, 'you are an over-impulsive fool who does not know when and where to draw the line between scientific fantasy and reality. To be completely honest with you, sir, I feel the utmost urge to slice off your one and only hideously ugly and weird fingernail and shove it up your hideously weird and ugly nose. I must thank you for giving me the absolutely wonderful opportunity to spend the rest of my life, which I would have dedicated to pursuing my dream of becoming a highly decorated officer had this not happened, in a smelly teenager's hormonally imbalanced body.' She said it all in one breath, her pitch increasing with each syllable.

'Feeling's mutual.' Muttered Ichigo. 'It's not like _I _wanna spend the rest of m'life in a puny person's body who has been _gifted _with the artistic talent of a brain-dead pig.'

'What did you say, you spineless moron?'

'Just what you heard, bitch.'

This squabble continued.

Kurotsuchi straightened his neck (which was still bent at an angle impossible for any normal human or soul to achieve) with a creaking noise.

'Calm down, inferior people. I can reverse this.'

Ichigo and Rukia obeyed him, for once, and calmed down, and stared at him with so much reverence, as if he was the holiest man in the Soul Society.

Kurotsuchi simply let his head hang back and stared up. Ichigo looked to see what he was looking at, but it turned out to be the highly uninteresting ceiling, and so he forced himself to look at the Captain's jutting out chin.

'What did you say, sir?' asked Rukia.

'Please get your hearing organs checked, Kuchiki.'

_Yeah. And you get your brain checked. Hat and clogs must've been a better captain than you, _thought Ichigo.

'Anyway, I need your cooperation. Nobody must come to know of this incident.'

'Why?' demanded Rukia.

'Because, my dear Kuchiki,' Rukia shuddered in repulsion, 'if you let anybody know, then you, along with both Kurosaki and me will be in deep trouble. When I say deep, I mean as deep as the Indian Ocean. You made an un-notified and illegal trip to the world of the living. Kurosaki is an illegal immigrant here. And I, Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi am responsible for your – ah – condition.'

'How much time do you need?' spat Ichigo.

'Give me one and a half days.'

'One and a half days?' Ichigo moved forward to shake that annoying creep by the shoulder. Rukia restrained him with a touch on his (or her, actually)shoulder.

'Let him do it. Meanwhile...'

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**Guys and gals, thanks a lot for coming this far with me. Really appreciate it. Next chapter-And I thought my life sucked as it was.**

**Byakuya's appearance.**


	3. And I thought my life sucked as it was

**Chapter 3's up, nd i hope you all enjoy. If you want me to add anything, just tell so in the review. Your wish is my eternal command!**

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Half an later

Ichigo skirted around Kuchiki Manor's perimeter.

_The whole darn thing is so darn huge. Where the hell is the freaking entrance anyway?_

He looked around to make sure if the coast was clear, and scaled the wall.

* * *

Rukia felt her lungs almost burst. Her (Ichigo's) joints were searing, as if on fire, and the ceiling of the tiny place pressed painfully against her head.

'Can't...get...out. The damn legs...are...stuck.' she rasped.

It wasn't as if there wasn't any air. There was plenty of it, as a matter of fact.

But...

The stench.

Of sweat. Of unwashed clothes. Since when did her resting place turn into a garbage dump? She couldn't bear it. So, she chose the less torturous task of not breathing. Sweat poured down her face in rivulets.

Great. Simply great.

Just what she needed. Getting dehydrated.

She groped about the place with her hand that wasn't bent at an odd angle for a handkerchief, one of the many she had stored there. Proper etiquette demanded to wipe the face with the sleeves. She brought it near her face, but stopped abruptly. It was-

'U-u-u-underwear!' she gagged in horror.

Eyebrow twitching violently, she hurled that disgusting little with a force that would have shamed a first-class pitcher. However, it hit the ceiling and landed straight on her face.

'Aaaargh! Ew ew ew ew ew.' She shook her head to get it off.

The darkness reminded her of the place she was imprisoned, where she was supposed to spend her last few days before being executed, and thought briefly about Kaien Shiba, her mentor and Lieutenant, whom she had slaughtered. Worse still, she had dragged back his bloody body to his family and couldn't forgive herself for that. One more reason why she hadn't protested against the judgment passed down by the Captains.

**Okay. Enough of painful memories of the past.**

She couldn't hold her breath any longer. It had been more than two hours now.

_Is this how dying is? Am I dying a second time?_

Her whole life flashed before her eyes.

_Ichigo. Renji. Brother. Captain Ukitake. And Kaien._

Through slitted eyes, Rukia saw a doorway being opened and bright sunlight spilled in. She fell, coughing and spluttering, grateful for the fresh air, into someone's arms.

That someone looked just like Ichigo, but had black hair.

'Is that you, Kaien? I-I am sorry for what I did.' She whispered.

To her surprise, the Kaien look-alike blushed furiously, hugged her, started ah-ing and rubbing his cheeks with hers.

THWACK!

A pink potato formed itself beautifully on the guy's head.

'Kon, you pervert!' she shouted.

* * *

Ichigo landed lightly on his feet. Sneaking around, he finally located Rukia's room. He slid the door open and almost fainted in shock. His suspicions had come through.

Surrounding him, tacked to the wall, and even engraved on the mahogany desk were pictures of rabbits. Rabbits eating ice-creams, rabbits riding bicycles etc etc. Well, Ichigo had _assumed _they were rabbits. They could very well have been hippos for anybody unfamiliar with Rukia's art.

He stepped in gingerly through the door, and was flattened to the floor.

**Yeah, I know it rhymes, doesn't it- door and floor. Pretty intelligent of me, huh? Well, let's get on with the story. Where was I? Oh-**

He stepped in gingerly through the door, and was flattened to the floor. He became aware of a huge spiritual power, and felt as if a dozen elephant were doing the salsa on him, wearing stilettos.

_Such power… it can only be one guy._

'Please do not sleep on the floor, Rukia.' Said Byakuya Kuchiki, 'It is unbecoming of a Kuchiki. Furthermore, you will catch a cold, and ultimately die.'

Ichigo tried to get up. He really did, but the elephants just wouldn't stop dancing on his back.

'Is everything all right? Are you not feeling well?' said Byakuya, his voice as emotionless as ever. 'Perhaps I should summon Lady Unahana?'

_Gah. He expects people to withstand such torture? Can't he mask his spiritual energy?_ , Ichigo winced, his eyeballs almost popping out under the pressure.

A thought struck him. What if that bitch was used to this pressure?

Ichigo got up and started doing exercises on the spot.

'Don't worry, Brother. I am feeling exceptionally fine tonight.' He said in what he hoped was a pathetic girly voice.

'Are you quite sure?' Byakuya narrowed his eyes ever so slightly and took out Senbonzakura.

Ichigo faltered. Maybe his voice wasn't shrill enough. He tried to give it another go. So, he-

Put his palms to his cheeks.

Dropped open his mouth to form a perfect 'O'.

Opened his eyes as wide as he could and stuck out his butt.

This, he hoped, was the image of a shocked, delicate, cute (and the other pathetic girly stuff) little sister, but in reality looked more like a cross-eyed constipated fish.

'Oh my dear Brother!' whimpered Ichigo melodramatically. 'Please keep your strong and powerful zanpakuto away! You might hurt this sweet little sister… of a… er… a very strong, powerful, sweet little… er… big Brother! May the Heavens favour him for all eternity!

**Ok. Let me rephrase my earlier comment-**

Ichigo looked more like a cross-eyed constipated fish with a voice of frequency of 19999 Hertz, and a complimenting ability, which, just in case nobody noticed, sucked.

Byakuya brought his sword to his face, and whispered, 'Scatter, Senbonzakura.'

Senbonzakura's blade disintegrated into thousands of tiny sakura petals. Ichigo closed his eyes. Idiotic really. As if that would lessen the pain. He knew that he was in hell lotta trouble. Things didn't go too well when he had faced off the 6th Division Captain the last time. True, he had won, but that was when he had Zangetsu. But now, he was in Kuchiki's turf with Sode no Shirayuki, which, when he used it, was as effective as a feather trying to knock down a huge oak tree.

Ichigo waited for those pink, harmless looking blades to slice Rukia's body up into tiny bloody bits. He had a mental picture of Rukia's lacerated body lying there in a pool of blood, with her innards ppiling out. Ichigo shuddered. As much as he called her a bitch, he couldn't let that happen to a friend he owed his life to. But it was too late.

He heard a slight whirring noise as the blades sped towards the substitute shinigami in Kuchiki Manor.

Suddenly, the noise stopped. Ichigo opened his eyes carefully.

'What the hell?

**I thought of ending the chapter here, y'know, as a cliché. But the thought of all those hate letters kept me going. So,**

'What the hell?'

Instead of surrounding him, the blades surrounded Byakuya, glinting in the moonlight as they curved and slashed through the air, giving him a haircut.

**Yeah. You read it right. A haircut.**

Byakuya grinned sheepishly.

Ichigo was visibly shocked. _So the grand ice block can actually smile?_

'Well, I saw my reflection in your eyes and noticed that my hair had grown really long, and so I decided to have a haircut. Your hair has grown unruly; do you want one to?'

Ichigo felt like saying, 'In your dreams, moron', but apparently Rukia respected this moron. Furthermore, he was sure that he was NOT into self inflicted pain.

'No thank you, Brother. I'm feeling sleepy now.'

With that, he stepped into Rukia's room and banged the door shut. He sank down to his knees.

'And I thought I could get through this for another day. It seems I underestimated the weirdness of this place.'

Around 12, midnight.

Knock knock knock.

Ichigo scrambled out of Rukia's futon and opened the door. Byakuya stepped in, followed by a mountain of papers which seemed to move on its own.

'Oi Byakuya, am I hallucinating or is that paper mountain moving on its own? Or maybe that clown dude invented some motor-thing to make it move?' said Ichigo blithely, forgetting the situation.

A bleary eyed Renji poked his head out from the mountain.

'Nah. It's just that _someone_ suddenly decided to work in your room, and woke me up in the middle of the night to transfer all the paperwork.'

Byakuya shot him a glare, as a viper would to its prey.

'You are free to leave now.' He said acidly, in his usual you-are-below-my-status-why-am-I-wasting-my-time-talking-to-you voice. 'Henceforth, please ensure to maintain proper decorum while addressing your superiors, Lieutenant. Thank you and good night.'

Renji meekly dumped the papers on the desk, which buckled slightly, muttered a low 'see ya' to Ichigo/Rukia and backtracked out of the room.

Byakuya sat down and started sifting through the sheets, while Ichigo glared at him. Finally, he looked up.

'Is anything the matter? Please continue sleeping.'

Ichigo felt like rolling his eyes and saying 'duh'. But then, "duh" wasn't even a word, and Rukia wouldn't roll her eyes at her brother.

Byakuya looked concerned as he reached forward and touched Ichigo's forehead.

'Hm. You don't seem to have a fever. But just in case, I will spend the whole of the night here.'

'No!'

This, Ichigo hoped, would dissuade the Kuchiki head from working there. But, apparently, Byakuya didn't get the hint, for he was already tucking Ichigo into Rukia's futon.

'Things were getting rather lonely, ever since Hisana died.' Said he, clumsily patting Ichigo's head, 'And I don't want to lose you, my sister, the sister I was willing to break the rukes for.'

Ichigo was shocked, pleasantly so, to see this caring side of Byakuya Kuchiki, the most famous captain till date, renowed for his impartiality towards anybody going against his ideals, be it a street urchin or the 1st Division Captain.

Ichigo drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

**

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Guys, please review. It's a request. Imaginary cookies for each reviewer!**

**Next chapter- Birthday.**


	4. Birthday! part 1

**Joke of the day- how did Bunta Singh try to kill the bird?**

**He dropped it from a high tower.**

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Ichigo woke up abruptly next morning to find a hideous face with tribal markings on the forehead showing its teeth to him in what appeared to be a cynical sneer.

Reflexively, Ichigo's (or Rukia's) connected with the chin, and the face soared through the air and hit the wall before landing with a tud and 'oomph' on the ground, followed by a body.

Ichigo sat up in shock to see something red pooling around the fallen body. He didn't want to kill one of the Manor's servants by mistake. However, on further inspection, Ichigo's shock changed to discover that it was not blood, but ruby-red hair. On even further inspection, Ichigo's shock changed to satisfaction to note that the fallen person was no other than Renji.

His mind rewinded to a few moments ago and paused at the first second of the day's memory.

_Renji was smiling at him delightfully with what was supposed to be homely smile. But, with those eyebrows and shadows on his face, and not to mention his waist long hair, he looked absolutely terrifying._

Ichigo waited impatiently for the lieutenant to recover. Once that was done-

'You freaking weird eyebrowed freak! Who the hell gave you the damn permission to even enter this room?' Ichigo screamed, forgetting the situation for the second time.

Byakuya, who was also there sweatdropped, and Renji sulked in the corner of the room with a blue aura of over-melodramatic hurt hovering over him.

'The world can be so unkind.' He whispered sadly.

Ichigo cursed himself for forgetting the situation and said in the most sickly-sweet voice he could muster.

'I…um…I mean…I had a bad dream, and-'

'What was it about?' Renji interrupted, keeping his morose face.

'That doesn't matter.'

'Why?'

'Let me explain, will you?'

'It depends.'

'On what? Urgh! Just lemme go on. I had a bad dream, and so…'

'Don't repeat the same fact twice. You sound like a broken tape recorder.'

At this point, Ichigo was seriously contemplating strangling that irritating factor in front of him, but swallowed his anger and forced his lips to form a smile.

'As I was saying, I had a bad dream-'

'That's old news, runt' Renji said, quite oblivious to the impending doom.

'Will-you-please-let-me-continue?' said Ichigo through clenched teeth.

'Yeah, sure, whatever. I never stopped you.'

'Okay. I had a bad dream, and so I am a bit on the touchy side.'

'A _bit_?' asked Byakuya.

'_Hee hee hee!'_ Ichigo gave a faint giggle as he punched himself in the stomach to let all the tension building inside him out.

'Yes, respected _Brother._ A _bit._ As I was just saying to my _dear _childhood _friend_, the _great _and _talented Renji Abarai,_ I am a bit on the touchy side. Sorry for my earlier rude behaviour. Please accept my heartfelt apologies, Renji.'

Renji pouted like a spoilt child. 'Apology not accepted. You have to be nicer.'

Ichigo punched his thigh till it went numb.

'I am sorry, Renji. Please. Pretty _pretty_ please?' Ichigo batted his eyelashes.

'Ah! Much better.' The blue aura around Renji vaporised. 'How about a hug?' he spread out his arms.

The next thing that Byakuya saw was his Lieutenant lying on the floor with a footprint on his face, while his sister giggled maniacally. He approached her warily. Ichigo turned around with an insane smile on his face.

'Ahem.' Back to his formal self. 'Rukia, let me wish you a very happy birthday.'

Ichigo reverted back to his saner self.

'What? Er…yes, it's my birthday. I think. Thanks for wishing me.'

'That's precisely what I was trying to do before you almost ripped my head off.' Complained Renji, tying back his hair. However, being the kind and generous person I am, I'll forgive your extreme rudeness and give you the fantastic treat I have planned.'

Ichigo groaned loudly and covered his face with his hands, as if in agony. Maybe they would take the hint and let him rest for the entire day.

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**There's a part 2 of this chapter too, and it will be uploaded sooner or later. Meanwhile, thanks for reading.**

**- Andreya Halms**


	5. Birthday! part 2

Ichigo covered his face with his hands and groaned loudly, as if in agony. Maybe they would take the hint and let him rest for the entire day. Carefully, he peeked out through his fingers.

The 6th Division Captain and Lieutenant didn't say anything. Heck, they weren't even paying attention. Tentatively, he got up.

'Er, I would like to accept your invitation, but don't you have work?'

'Don't worry. I got a day off!'

'But _I_ have important work. Lots and lots of it.'

'Don't worry about that either. Captain Ukitake gave you a day off.'

'But then a lot of your money will be wasted.'

'I saved up for today.'

'But-'

'No!'

'I mean-'

'Don't worry!'

'I have-'

'It's fine!'

'But Brother won't allow me to-'

'It's okay. He approved.'

In the end, it resulted in them forcibly throwing Ichigo out of the Manor.

* * *

Rukia lay on Ichigo's bed tired but satisfied. She looked around the room to admire her handiwork and sniffed herself. She smiled.

Ah. Lovely and hygienic.

When she had first arrived, she was bowled over by the place. Mould was growing in the closet, and she had discovered something which looked like caviar in a bowl under the bed, but turned out to be a cockroach's nest. She had almost run away then and there.

She worked and slogged through the night to do Ichigo's room some social service and raided Yuzu's bathroom supplies to clean the grime accumulated on Ichigo over the years.

Well, that was the past.

Rukia grunted as a lion plushie with tears streaming down its face jumped on her stomach.

'Why?' Kon wailed. 'Why does fate hate me so much? I finally get to spend some time with my Rukia…but in this form! Her valleys! Rukia's v-valleys!' he shuddered with anger. 'If he does anything to my Rukia! If he even touches her, I will…I will…I swear I will…'

The words were forced back into his mouth as he was sent flying away for the sixtieth time.

'Oh. He won't do anything. If he does-' Rukia took one of the walnuts she was having and flattened it between her palms.

But her eyes were doubtful. Who knew what could happen with adolescent boys?

* * *

Renji was in an exceptionally good mood, something which Ichigo set upon himself to destroy at any cost.

'So, Renji, where are we going?'

Renji smiled mischievously. 'Secret.'

'If we're gonna eat, can we eat somewhere atleast hygienic? I want a good place, not the run-of-the-mill godowns where you usually go.'

Renji just laughed and patted Ichigo's head. 'You'll see. It's this way. Come.'

He led them to an expensive looking fancy restaurant.

'Here we are!' He announced.

'Did you lose your way?' Ichigo did a perfect impersonation of a snobbish heiress. 'Because I don't see the likes of _you_ coming to a place like _this._'

Renji didn't even flinch. Instead, his cheerfulness seemed to have increased by a couple of degrees. 'What makes you think that?'

'Firstly, look at your clothes. Where did you steal them from? An unsuspecting scarecrow?'

By this point under normal, or even sub-normal, circumstances, the Lieutenant would have been foaming at the mouth. But not today. Renji thumped Ichigo's back. 'Heh heh. Good one.' He said and entered.

A sighing Ichigo followed him.

* * *

'Aah!' Ichigo gave a loud moan as he spread himself on a chair, thus being the centre of attention of the other diners, and snatched a menu card from a passing waitress. He flicked through it to locate the most expensive items.

'Found something you would like?' Enquired Renji pleasantly.

'Yes. I would like the pura pocha machh.'

Renji raised what was an eyebrow but looked like the Nazca lines of Peru. 'Pura pocha machh?'

Ichigo nodded. 'And pach mash purono mangsho.' They were the most expensive things on the list, and the bill would amount to a whopping four digiter (tax excluded).

'Excellent choice, Madam.' Said a waitress who looked a lot like Rangiku Matsumoto. She took Ichigo's head and literally shoved it into her chest in a hug.

So it _was _her. Ichigo'd recognise those _things_ anywhere. They had squashed him more than once.

'Happy birthday!' Matsumoto squealed.

'Shankoo.' Came Ichigo's muffled reply as he struggled from getting choked.

'What are you dong here exactly, eh, Matsumoto?' Renji interjected.

'Who me? Oh, I ran away from work.' She didn't even let go of Ichigo/Rukia whose face had turned purple and was suffering from a slight nosebleed. 'Toushiro was all like, "Complete the paper work, Lieutenant", "It's Captain Hitsugaya to you" blah blah blah, nag nag nag. I am working here now.'

'Do your job then.' Ichigo finally freed himself and wiped his bleeding nose with a tissue.

'Of course!' Rangiku jumped up, her excitement rivalling that of Renji's and marched away.

Now that she was gone, Ichigo embarked on his fruitless task of annoying his sworn enemy. He wet Rukia's lips with her tongue, went to the glass paned wall, stuck her (his) mouth to the glass and started sucking in air.

It sounded as if someone was plunging a particularly disgusting blocked toilet. Most of the diners left rather hurriedly with greenish tinges on their faces.

Ichigo rotated his eyeballs to see Renji. Renji hadn't as much as flinched.

Ichigo sighed. Mission failed. Again. Dejected, he slipped back to his chair to plot…er…to think. His train of thought was interrupted by the foul smell of rotting meat. The smell, or odour, grew stronger and finally Matsumoto, who had a pink clothes pin clamped over her perfect nose, plonked the source of the odour on two silver plates on their table.

**(At this point, I must explain something. I was sitting and thinking and sitting and thinking and hopelessly failing to find names for their dishes. Finally I got frustrated and named them in my mother tongue, Bengali. So, "Pura pocha mach" means burnt rotten fish and "pach mash purono mangsho" means five month old chicken.)**

'Sorry for making you wait.' She said.

'Wait? Wait for what? Wait for this? There ain't no way I'm eating this.' Ichigo almost threw up.

'Fine! Let's dig in then!' Renji gingerly took his fork and plunged it into the food. A chunk of _evil _ looking substance stuck on the fork, which was deposited into the partly open mouth of an unsuspecting Ichigo, who, by mistake, swallowed it. He turned all the colours of the rainbow, starting with red and ending with violet.

'How's it?' Renji asked.

'Idiot.' Ichigo said weakly. 'Moron. Didn't I say I am not going to eat this…this….rotten…._whatever?_'

'But you- if I remember correctly, which I do- said "there ain't no way I'm eating this."'

'Exactly! So if-'

'Don't you know the simple rule?' Renji asked innocently. 'Double negatives make a positive. So, "there ain't no way I'm eating this" translates to "I am eating this." I was just doing what you said.'

Ichigo found it pointless to argue. But he didn't want to throw up Rukia's stomach either.

'Erm, Renji? I am s-s-s.'

'S-s-s?'

'S-s'

'S-s?'

'Sorry.' Ichigo spluttered. 'I am sorry about earlier. Y'know, you look absolutely great in that dress. I appreciate your feelings, bringing me to an expensive restaurant and all, but the truth is I am not hungry.' As if on cue, his stomach growled. 'OK, well, maybe I _am_, but I want to eat something cooked by you, alright?' Ichigo knew it had to be better than this muck here.

Renji smiled warmly. 'Don't break a sweat.' He got up, took Ichigo's hand in his and walked briskly towards the exit.

'But the bill?'

'No problemo. They have a policy here- no money will be charged if the customers are dissatisfied.'

'Oh.'

You sound defeated. Why?'

'Don't worry. It's nothing.' Ichigo's stomach growled again.

'Gentlemen must never keep ladies' waiting or hungry.'

Renji picked up Ichigo, bridal style, and flash stepped to his home.

**

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*sigh* Finally completed this chapter. Next up is "Confessions Under The Full Moon, part 1"**

**Thank you for reading and please please please **_**PLEASE**_** review.**


	6. Confessions Under The Full Moon

**A simple note: There won't be a part two of this chapter. Ignore my message in the last chapter.**

**CONFESSIONS UNDER THE FULL MOON**

By now, the seeds of doubt that Kon had planted into Rukia's head had grown into a huge tree with a thick trunk and sturdy branches laden with fluttering leaves, juicy fruits, and the occasional unwanted termite. Interestingly, it was free from any jackass trying to cut it down. **(The credit for this sentence goes to Izuka)**

Which was not good. Not in this case, anyway.

She paced up and down the room. 'What if…what if… Ichigo… NO. He can't do anything. Brother surely will-' She stopped abruptly. A thought had just hit her mind with the impact of a nuclear warhead.

'Oh God. Oh my God. Oh my freaking God. Today is…Renji was…Damn!' She transformed into Ichigo's shinigami form and summoned the gates to the Soul Society.

…

Ichigo was feeling sick, defeated, and worn out. To top it all, his stomach was on a roller coaster ride. A depressing condition.

Renji had brought Ichigo to his house and promised to make him something that "nobody had never _ever_ cooked."'

Fifteen minutes later, Ichigo had realised that that was the worst mistake anybody could ever make in the history of the culinary world. When the red haired freak wasn't looking, Ichigo had poured the alleged "stew" into a flower pot. The poor plant seemed to wilt then and there.

'Finished already?' Renji asked, smiling.

'Yeah.' Ichigo replied with a forced grin.

'Okay the. Let's go. I have a few more surprises for you.'

'Oh.' Ichigo gave up. He couldn't resist Renji any further. If he was doomed to spend the rest of the day in his company, he might as well as enjoy it.

…

Hitsugaya Toushiro walked into his office, his Captain's robes swishing around his ankles and lay down on the empty couch. Being the captain wasn't easy, and he was the youngest ever to be appointed to the post.

'Aaaah.' He sighed in ecstasy. 'I never knew it was so soft. No wonder Matsumoto spends all her time sleeping here.'

He sat up. Speaking of which, why was the couch empty?

He scanned around the room and his eyes stopped at the ever-growing pile of paper on the desk. 99.99% of it belonged to his extremely busty Lieutenant. Where did she go off to now?

He groaned. He always did wonder how she became a Lieutenant. Maybe she seduced the higher ups or something.

He sank back into the couch. 'Mmmm…I guess I should…mmm…just sack…her.'

He reconsidered it. Apart from her laziness, she was an excellent shinigami…

Toushiro dozed off.

Rangiku climbed in through the window to find her young but extremely strict Captain occupying her favourite place.

'Awww! Li'l Shiro looks so cute when he's asleep!' The older woman gasped and pulled his cheeks.

'Kawai!' She squealed.

The temperature of the room dropped by several degrees. 'It's Captain Hitsugaya to you.' Toushiro said, with his eyes still closed.

Outside, some random person yelped as the door to the Captain's office got covered with ice.

'But you allow Hinamori! She _always _calls you that.'

The temperature nosedived again.

'That is an entirely different case.' He replied icily. His soul sister was entitled to certain privileges, for heaven's sake. She had become his new family after his death.

'Fine, but please stop freezing the room, Shiro..er..Captain.'

The temperature returned to its original. Toushiro opened his eyes and they almost popped out.

He coughed.

'Ahem. May I ask why are you wearing such a …erm…_skimpy_ waitress' uniform?'

Rangiku opened her mouth, but was interrupted by a wailing noise.

'On second thoughts, explain later. We got intruders.'

'Right.' She said and jumped out of the window.

'She could have used the door.' Toushiro mused, staring at the open window and followed her out of it.

…

Rukia heard alarms at the distance. Alarms which she had set off.

'Great.' She winced. 'I seriously love my luck.' Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

She started running, Ichigo's legs covering huge strides for her. She needed to find him.

…

Ichigo had just begun to realise that Renji wasn't an evil sadistic freak. In fact, he was a kind, generous _and_ friendly evil sadistic freak.

After the breakfast event, they had gone to an amusement park, where they did all the rides, had enough ice-cream to freeze their brains etc etc. For some reason, Ichigo felt that it was just how an ideal date was in those mushy mangas he stayed away from but Rukia so dearly loved. It felt outright weird, but wasn't, considering that Renji thought that Ichigo was Rukia.

They then went to the Rukongi district, the downtrodden slum-like area where Rukia and Renji had spent their childhood.

'Being a shinigami must be a great achievement, huh?' Ichigo wondered, looking at the huge crowd that had gathered around them.

'You know the answer to that, don't you?' Renji replied.

There were a few cries of 'Hi Renji, hi Rukia'; 'You lucky girl! You are a Kuchiki noblewoman now. Not only that, but the heiress, I heard.'; 'We want to be just like you when we grow up!', but most of them stared at awe.

They chatted with a few of them and then left at evening.

'Can I go home now? _Please?_' Ichigo pleaded.

'No. there is one more thing I want to show you.' Renji's eyes twinkled.

…

Rukia was running fast and tiring out fast. Ichigo's body could be fast, but required a lot of energy. Toushiro and Matsumoto were in pursuit.

'Stop, intruder! Surrender now!' Toushiro yelled.

_Fat chance._ Rukia thought._ It's not that I can get into any more trouble. Plus, Matsumoto's dress scares me. As a woman, I feel violated just by looking at her._

'You won't listen? Very well, let's do it the hard way.' The white haired Captain said and waved his zanpakuto. Rukia flash stepped, just in time.

Jagged spikes of ice that sparkled in the moonlight erupted in the spot where Rukia was previously standing. Had she reacted a bit late, she would have become ice candy.

'Shiro.' Matsumoto said.

Toushiro glared at her.

'OK, fine, _Captain_.'

He stopped glaring.

'Doesn't the intruder resemble Ichi?'

'I thought so too. But, the spiritual pressure is distinctly different…and familiar.'

'What are your next orders, sir?'

'We'll track this guy down and get to the bottom of all this, of course.'

…

Ichigo climbed up a hill till he reached its summit. He turned around and yelled.

'Get up here, slowpoke. Fast.'

Renji gave a sheepish grin as he huffed up. 'You seem to be full of energy all of a sudden.'

'It's because I can finally dump you after this gets over.' Ichigo muttered.

'Pardon? I didn't get you.'

'It's nothing. Nothing at all.'

Renji walked over and knelt down in front of three mounds and prayed. Ichigo did the same. A long time back, Renji had once told him that the other children he and Rukia lived with had died prematurely because of poor living conditions.

_This must be their graves,_ he guessed.

Ichigo opened his eyes to see Renji sitting at the edge of the cliff with his leg over the side. He motioned Ichigo to join him, which he did.

'Look down.' Renji asked him.

Ichigo looked down and held his breath. It was beautiful. The whole of Soul Society spread out below them like a spiders web, the lights pulsing like stars in the darkness.

'Rukia,' Renji asked gently, 'were you testing me?'

The night was even more beautiful than the sight below them. There seemed to be more stars than usual in the ebony sky. The full moon's glow cloaked their surroundings, making everything seem magically mysterious.

'What?' Ichigo asked. Something in the red haired freak's voice reminded him of a really mushy movie/manga/anime that Rukia adored.

'The whole day today, you seemed to be really distracted, making things difficult me. Were you testing me? I'm sorry if I didn't meet up to your expectations today. I've been thinking about what you told me the other day…and I… I feel the same way about you.'

A slight breeze picked up and as if on cue, there was a scent of roses in the air.

Ichigo eeped in his head. He was desperately hoping, begging even, that "I feel the sane way about you" did not mean what he thought it meant. Sure, Renji and Rukia had known each other for their entire "lives" and better than anybody else, but they could not-

'Yes.' Renji said. 'I love you too, Rukia.'

Ichigo felt as if somebody (most likely his dad) had poured a bucket of ice down his shirt.

Then he realised how baseless his fears were.

_What if Renji loves Rukia? I am perfectly safe as long as he does not actually attempt to _kiss_ me, right?_

He was relieved.

Momentarily.

Then Renji wrapped his arms around Rukia/Ichigo's neck and brought his face near to the one in his grasp.

Had Ichigo not been paralysed from shock, he would have jumped off the cliff right then and there.

_Just because I never liked a girl like _that, he wailed inwardly, _that doesn't mean I'm into guys! Someone please, please, pretty please help me._

Renji inched closer. To Ichigo, it felt as if time had slowed down.

_Damn that Rukia. She could have told me something like this could happen._

Closer.

_God. God. Oh please. Maybe I should tell him the truth. But he seems so happy._

Ichigo finally made up his mind. _For Rukia. I owe my and my family's life to her. Here goes…_

He closed his eyes, waiting for his first kiss to get over as fast as possible.

Then it came.

….

/

,bkjkmk.

The blow hit him so hard that he actually tasted blood in his mouth and fell back to land rather painfully on his butt.

Ichigo couldn't believe his luck. Instead of kissing him, Renji had punched him. He spat out the coppery liquid in his mouth and looked up at Renji.

'You hit me.' He said disbelievingly. 'You hit me. You hit me! YOU HIT ME!' Ichigo was so relieved that he could have kissed Renji, had he not appreciated the irony. He started getting up.

'Darn right I did.' Renji punched Ichigo in the face again and Ichigo went tumbling backwards. 'I stole my clothes from a scarecrow, did i?' He punctuated each syllable with a blow.

Ichigo kicked out at Renji and connected at his Shinichi. Caught by surprise, Renji fell face forward.

Ichigo jumped up and started running downhill, leaving a huge trail of destruction (read: dust, uprooted plants etc) behind, closely followed by Renji.

'What's wrong, Rukia?' Renji said with an evil/perverted gleam in his eyes. 'Or should I say…_Ichigo Kurasaki_?'

Ichigo heard him and stopped. 'What? You know?'

The Lieutenant caught up with him and rolled his eyes. 'I just said so, didn't I, Mr Strawberry?'

Ichigo was about to do something really unpredictable (sarcasm) like bonk Renji on the head or somethinmg, when a huge chunk of ice fell between them.

'Eeek!' They both said simultaneously in high pitched screams. Yeah, sadly even Renji.

'Whoa! Where did this come from?'

'Forget about that. I-Rukia is trapped inside.'

'How are we gonna get her out?' Renji's voice was still in a tad higher octave than usual.

'Don't look at me. I can't use Sode no Shirayuki. What about Zabimaru?'

'I left it at the office. Why d'you think I used physical blows on you?'

'…'

They sat down waiting for the ice to melt. It glittered in front of them like a multi-faceted diamond in the moonlight, with Ichigo's body trapped inside. They stopped bickering for the time being- Rukia was precious to both of them in more ways than one.

'Yo Renji.'

'What?'

'When did you realise that it was me, Ichigo?'

'Just before I was about to…er…do _that._' Renji squeaked, his ears going red. 'Thank God for the timing.'

_Oh. Then all that crap was true._ Ichigo's face broke into an evil grin, and there was a strange gleam in his eyes. _I am so-o-o-o gonna emotionally blackmail Rukia to hell._

There was an ear-splitting noise, and the ice chunk crumbled into pieces. Rukia stumbled and fell into all fours, breathing heavily. She (Ichigo's body) was soaked in water and her (his) nails and lips were blue. She stood up when she saw Ichigo.

'Ichigo!' she screeched, grasping his shoulders and shaking them back and forth. 'Please tell me that you didn't-'

Ichigo felt that his head would definitely go flying off if the shaking continued.

'-you didn't go to my house! And you stayed away from Ren-'

'Hey there, Rukia.' Renji said weakly, his face turning as red as his hair.

'-ji.' Rukia concluded, he face going even redder rhan his (as if that was even possible) and shaking Ichigo harder than ever.

Ichigo heard something go 'crick'. His (Rukia's) neck, no doubt.

'STOP it IF you WANT your HEAD attached To your BODY!' Ichigo's voice's amplitude increased and decreased with each oscillation **(Ooooh, Physics!)**

Back. Forth. Back. Forth. Back. Fo-

Their heads collided.

'Ow!' Ichigo and Rukia said together.

There was a brilliant flash of white light at the point of contact, and Ichigo saw stars and tiny winged elephants wearing tutus and doing the salsa.

His eyes rolled back and closed.

…

Ichigo opened his eyes and saw Rukia staring at him. _Rukia-_Rukia, not _Ichigo-_Rukia.

'Oh.' He grumbled. 'I'm me again.' Then he looked around and noticed that he was lying on the floor of a dark cave. 'Where am I?'

'I was being chased by Captain Hitsugaya. We had to hide here.'

Ichigo sat up and saw Renji standing a bit away, giving them uncomfortable looks.

'Oh yes, and I opened a portal to your world. You can go back now to your totally perverted dad.' Rukia continued and glanced briefly at Renji.

'Uhm…yeah.' The portal was waiting beside him. Just before stepping in, he looked back at the couple standing there.

He grinned.

'I'll get you something later, Rukia. Meanwhile, you guys behave decently, alright? I wonder when and where the wedding will be…' He was enveloped by white light.

At that precise moment, Hitsugaya and Rangiku ran inside, panting.

'Stop, intruder! You can't escape-' Toushiro wheezed.

'Whaddya mean? There wasn't any any intruder here.' Renji said innocently.

He grabbed Rukia by the waist and disappeared, grinning cockily.

…

**Hoped you like it. Please review, please! It makes me happy, and we should spread happiness, right?**

**Oh, and the next chapter is going to be the last one of this fan fic. I am glad cuz I lost my touch and interest in this stupid thing.**

**Next Chapter- Epilogue.**


	7. IMPORTANT!

**A/N- My computer crashed and basically, the next chapter got deleted. I'll try my best to retype it. Please bear with me till then. Remember, reviews will get me pumped up enough to write! If you haven't done so earlier, please do it now! :D**

**-Andreya**


	8. Epilogue

**I'd like to thank all you people who've read, reviewed, alerted to and favourited this li'l piece of pseudo-trash. So, thank you.**

**Here's the final chapter-**

…

After a few moments of darkness and blurry images usually associated with long moments of flash travel, Rukia found herself bundled in Renji's arms, in the vast gardens of the Kuchiki compound. Renji very gently let her down.

She looked at the man in front of her. He was tall, _very_ tall. Who would actually believe that there had been a time when both of them had been nearly the same height? That was such a long time ago, a time she had tried again and again to erase from her memory, failing every time she did so.

Rukia decided to ask him something that had been nagging her all this while.

…

Renji released Rukia and looked at her. Man, she was tiny…which was why he always wanted to protect her.

So frail. Delicate.

Rukia spoke.

'Oi, Renji. What was Ichigo talking about? Behaving decently and something about a marriage?'

'Oh, _that_.'

Feeling suddenly weary, Renji flopped down on the ground and gave her a detailed description and analysis of the day's events.

'WHAT?' Something inside Rukia cracked and Renji's eardrums gave a painful twinge. 'You told him it was my _birthday_ today? You…_you…_! TO TOP IT ALL, YOU GAVE ICHIGO THE IMPRESSION THAT WE'RE A COUPLE, AND YOU WERE ABOUT TO…' she choked, '_**KISS**_ HIM?'

She screamed and screamed, her screaming having no effect whatsoever on Renji who decided to take a short nap on the soft grass.

'Stop making such a ruckus in the middle of the night, Rukia. A Kuchiki should maintain their composure at all times.' Came the dangerously soft voice of Byakuya.

Renji woke up and carefully extracted two cotton wads from his ears to salute his superior.

His jaw dropped. What he saw left him speechless.

Rukia felt like jumping into the nearest koi pond and staying there until she drowned or turned into a fish. Whichever came last.

Byakuya was wearing a nightdress and nightcap.

A fluorescent pink nightdress and nightcap.

A fluorescent pink nightdress and nightcap with tiny hearts all over. And there was a novel in his hand.

Renji recognized that novel – it was very popular among the perverted male officers of the Gotei 13. It was called "Icha-Icha Paradise", and was penned by a shinigami of Captain Kyoraku's squad, named Jiraiya.

Renji and Rukia shook their heads, and decided to pretend that they didn't see anything unusual and returned to their argument.

'Geez. Give it a rest. I was just pulling Ichigo's leg.' Renji grumbled.

'Pulling his leg? Pulling his leg? More like ripping the entire thing off! This time you have gone TOO far, Renji. I _WILL_ TELL Nii-sama!' Rukia screeched, giving the full measure of exactly how ticked off she was. After all, she had actually betrayed her venerable Nii-sama.

Renji was unperurbed. 'Fine, whatever.'

'Tell me what, exactly?' Byakuya asked, managing to look intimidating even in his unusual choice of nightwear.

'Ohohoho! Wait till you hear what your Lieutenant has been up to-'

'You do know that you have to tell Captain everything, from how it happened.'

'Of course I know that!' Rukia said hysterically, and told Byakuya whatever she had been doing for the past 1 and ½ days.

'Hm.' Byakuya looked at Renji. 'Congratulations, Lieutenant, you have done exactly as ordered.'

Rukia let out a very un-Rukia-ish shriek, 'Don't tell me… you were in this twisted plot _too?_'

'Er…it was my idea,yes.' Byakuya seemed to shrink a little.

'You were into such stuff? Romance and all?'

Byakuya waved the copy of Icha-Icha paradise in his hand. Renji noted that it was the Super Duper Special Limited Illustrated version. 'I did pick up some interesting topics from here.'

Rukia was absolutely floored.

'I was a bit worried when you turned up,' Renji told Rukia, 'but the you, well, turned red whenever you saw me, whatever the reason was. Ichigo noticed that too, and it was one hell of a reinforcement to the entire situation. Now he thinks that you like me.'

'Rukia.' Byakuya's tone became cold. 'Why did you blush? Do you have any sort of feelings towards my subordinate?'

'What the-? I'd rather eat my own shoes! Today was a joint activity of squads 6 and 13, right? I was assigned with Renji, and it was the thought of me apologising on behalf of Ichigo's behaviour to this creep that made me blush.

Renji heaved a huge sigh. 'Thank God. For a second there, I thought you had something for me, devilishly handsome that I am.'

'But why, Nii-sama? Why did you do all this?'

'So that Kurosaki would keep his eyes and hands off you. Excuse me.' Byakuya gave a sharp turn and headed back to his room.

The two childhood friends were left standing there.

Rukia just remembered something 'What about Captain Kurotsuchi? He's trying to find a cure.'

'Heck, who the hell cares?'

'Yeah,' Rukia shrugged, 'you're right. Wanna go for a walk?'

…

Squad 11

Mayuri Kurotsuchi chewed his longest fingernail nervously as he poured over his notes. His Lieutenant stood in a corner, slightly bowed, as submissive as ever.

'What shall I do?' he whined. 'Whatever shall I do? What if Genryuusai-dono finds out? This is almost as bad as creating the Hogyoku.'

He started typing, Nemu's vacantly obedient eyes observing him as they always did.

…

Rangiku Matsumoto exited the Squad 10 building.

'Matsumoto-fukutaicho.'

Rangiku stopped. 'Kyoraku-taicho.'

Toushiro had given up on the intruder. Let them go to hell, was what he had said before sinking into _her_ couch in his office.

'What are you doing here?'

'The same as you, Matsumoto. Returning home.'

They fell into step and walked side by side in silence.

'You look good in a maid uniform. Very shapely.' Kyouraku said.

'As do you when you decide to help those under you, even if they don't belong to your squad.'

They looked at each other and grinned, as if sharing a secret.

'Up for a drink, taicho? I have some very good quality sake waiting for me at home. A gift from Renji.'

'What a co-incidence. So do I.'

Both of them laughed.*

…

Karakura Town

Ichigo lay flat on his bed, staring at the ceiling and not staring at it at the same time. There was a huge grin plastered on to his face.

'Hm. So, will it be Rukia Abarai? It's definitely got a nice ring to it. Or, will it be Renji Kuchiki? He'll be marrying the heir to the Kuchiki clan after all.'

His grin grew wider, exposing his molars in the process. He was having visions of several junior Renjis and Rukias running about in diapers.

'I hope they make me godfather.'

Suddenly, the vision popped. He lifted his head and sniffed the air around him.

'Why do I suddenly smell of lemons and oranges?'

…

***This part needs some explaining. Matsumoto had dressed up as a maid because Renji had asked her to do so, paying her with sake in return. It was so that Ichigo'd get something gross no matter what he ordered.**

**In the last previous chapter, if you remember, "…a scent of roses filled the air…" that was Kyoraku's doing, on Renji's insistence, with (once again) premium quality sake being the reward. The scent simply added to the effect.**

…

**Please review! There are so many of you who've favourited and alerted, and I'd like to know what are your thoughts concerning this project.**

**Let all the printing errors/typos go to hell. Or, you can simply point them out so I can correct them.**

**Bye, and thank you! =D**


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